When Other People Judge You

This is the transcript of my podcast which aired on February 14, 2023. You can listen to the full episode by clicking here.

Welcome to The Infinite Capacity Podcast for moms in midlife. I'm your host, Andrea Morton of Think To Thrive Coaching, and I'm here to help you discover your full potential. Are you ready to reach for the stars? Is it time to level up your life and relationships? Are you looking for inspiration? I'm excited. Let's get started with this week's episode.

Hi, everybody, how are you today and welcome to the podcast. I'm excited to be here with you on what turns out to be a really gorgeous day in Southern California. We are pretty lucky here with the weather. And I'm really happy to be talking to you about today's topic, which is something that I think... as moms and as women and just as humans... we have all experienced, probably a lot. And that is when we notice that we are being judged by other people.

In fact, I can remember when I was a young mom, taking my three kids with me tiny little kids into for example, like Costco or, you know, a department store or other situation. And I can still remember how many people would say to me, "Good luck!"

Wishing me luck with my three squirmy crazy little kids that were sometimes yelling, sometimes one would be laying on the floor and kicking their feet. Sometimes they would all be, like, squabbling with each other. And I generally probably looked fairly haggard. And thus, passersby would wish me good luck.

That's just one of many kinds of judgment, of course. But if you've been a human being, you have probably dealt with the judgment of another human being at some point.

Let's be honest, you've probably maybe judged somebody else in your life as well, and found them to be lacking.

Well, recently, I had an experience as a mom, that really stood out to me, because my nearly 14 year old daughter, who is generally just a ray of sunshine, and a very, very kind human being had some fairly strong criticism of me, she leveled some pretty strong critique at me, not just in terms of one particular incident that happened, but just actually in general as a person, which, you know, kind of feels worse.

So, without getting into the specifics, because, you know, I respect my daughter, and I want to honor her privacy, I can just say that, in general, I felt that she was judging me as a human and finding me lacking. And her words really hit me almost like a slap in the face.

So what's a mom to do? Well, my initial response was to feel pretty defensive, and also hurt.

Has that ever happened to you before, when someone that was really close to you, leveled some judgment, or maybe some critique at you and just really hit you? I put my whole heart and soul into my parenting, and I love my kids more than anything in the world. So I was really sad, and also frustrated to hear my daughter, who is generally so even tempered, and so kind, criticizing me in fairly strong terms.

I really felt the weight of her judgment. And my thought was something like, This is so unfair. I wanted to protest and say, well, “Can't you see how hard I'm working for you as a mom? And can't you understand how much I sacrifice for you and your brothers every single day?” I felt this powerful urge to defend myself and maybe even enter into a more authoritarian position, like, "Hey, I'm the mom, young lady, and I know what's happening here better than you do, I have more experience."

And I know that it is very natural and also easy if I would blame the problem on her teenage hormones or decide that because she's a teenager, she can't fully understand all the complexity of real life or what it's like to be an adult and how to make decisions as a parent.

I could choose to think these things and just dismiss the whole situation. But I think that would be doing us both a major disservice. And it would be doing you a disservice, my listeners, because today we're talking about how to deal when we feel the judgment of other people, because there is actually a lot of growth that can come from learning how to deal with the judgments of other people. So if I negate the validity of her critique, then I am denying her voice and her perspective. And I'm also denying my own chance to grow and learn from the situation.

I don't want to deny that her words may have some truth to them. And I don't want to shut her down. And I also don't want to shut down my own path toward growth. So rather than negating it, I need to actually process it and deal with what it feels like to be judged.

Now, for me, speaking only for myself, it hurts to feel judged. And that's not just with my daughter, it's whether the judgment is coming from someone like her such a close family member. And someone I really love to other people whose opinions that I value and respect like maybe my colleagues or co-workers in a former job, or my boss, or, you know, maybe from dear friends that are really close to me, or maybe from in laws or just from people that I meet while traveling.

I don't love the feeling of being judged, because it feels uncomfortable. And I don't know how you react. But I have a tendency to react in less healthy ways. When I feel judged, especially before I knew about mindset management. Like maybe when I felt judged, I might lash back at a person that I felt was judging me, or maybe I would just judge them in return. That I think was probably the way it was for me 10 years ago.

But today, I want to give you a few really valuable strategies for what you can do when you feel like you're being judged by another person in your life, someone whose opinion you care about, so that you can grow through the experience the way that I am learning to do, and use it as a fuel for your journey to become the best version of yourself possible.

How awesome is that... we can take these moments, and we can turn them into our path forward. I have four really good tips for you today. And I'm going to take you through them using the same example with my daughter. And I'm excited to see what you think. So first off, and this is probably the most crucial thing of all, you need to get a handle on the actual situation, which means you need to get good at recognizing when you are feeling judged.

Not after you've reacted to it. But actually as you are experiencing it. As you know, I helped run a coaching collective called Growth and Grace and our our collective, we call this the "N" in our process, which is called INTERO. So the N stands for noticing, you need to notice what you are thinking and feeling.

When you are experiencing the judgment of others, it's really important to be able to identify it before you react. So much of what we think and feel happens to us so quickly in life, that we don't always notice what's happening inside of ourselves, or how we're responding to it till it's over.

So the first step in dealing with the judgment of others is to become very acutely aware, sensitive to what your body feels like, and what thoughts you think when you are experiencing the judgment of another person. So I can give you an example of this when I feel judged, I tend to clench my stomach and my job. I don't breathe in as deeply. My breaths are pretty shallow. And that is a telltale sign for me. 'Oh, something's going on. Wait, am I feeling judged.' I can also start feeling emotions that are like frustration or disappointment, or as I mentioned, hurt.

So if I find myself clenching my jaw or my gut, and I'm also feeling frustrated at the same time, that is a pretty good clue that maybe I am feeling someone else's judgment right now.

It's really important for you to be able to know your clues and your tells for that. And the way you notice is how your body is reacting, and what thoughts are coming into your brain before you react. So what are your clues that you're feeling judged? And what do you notice about yourself when this is happening to you?

If you happen to be anywhere near your phone or a piece of paper, when you're listening to this, you can write it down. And if you're not, then just kind of bookmark this podcast and come back to it when you are near something you can write with, and then you can maybe journal on this in order to sort of flesh out for yourself, 'Well what do I feel when I'm getting judged?'

Now, once you notice that your body and your mind are experiencing a sense that you are being judged by someone else? The first and most important step after the noticing.

Step number two is to process that feeling and allow it to become self compassion. Okay, so first you've noticed it. And now you're going to head straight into self compassion, which means that you are going to on purpose, treat yourself with kindness, and understanding, rather than piling on to that discomfort.

Yeah, how do we pile on to our own discomfort? Well, sometimes we pile on, because we feel that someone else is judging us. And then we start to judge ourself, which makes it even worse. And other times, we feel that someone's being judgmental of us, and then maybe we pile on by starting to judge them back, you know, and that actually doesn't make us feel any better, either.

So in the case of my daughter that I was mentioning, rather than me responding by either judging her and saying to myself, well, what does she know, she's just a teenager, which would immediately diminish her value, and ignore an opportunity for me to understand where she's coming from.

Or, rather than judging myself and saying, "Ah, see, she thinks I'm not a great mom. And she must be right!" I can instead do neither of those things. And I can just notice what I'm feeling in my gut in my brain, and then I can go in into an intentional practice of self compassion, and say to myself, "Wow, I noticed that I'm feeling really disappointed. When I hear those words from my daughter, gosh, it's totally normal and natural, that I would be feeling so sad. To hear those words from someone that I love so much. It's understandable that I'm feeling a little bit let down or hurt in this moment, because I'm a mom who really cares about her kids. So it makes sense that hearing these words from one of my kids, and knowing that she's viewing me with a critical lens, it feels really uncomfortable." Do you notice how I noticed and went into compassion, without actually judging her OR judging me?

See, I wasn't getting defensive. I wasn't lashing out. I wasn't making it worse, I was just normalizing my discomfort. And talking to myself really kindly, in that moment, talking to myself, just like I would talk to my best friend if she had called me and told me that she was having a rough day. So let's try to bring this back to you.

Okay, how could you speak to yourself or treat yourself with great self compassion and kindness and care? How could you do that? In a moment when you were feeling the judgment of others? What would you say to yourself? What would you do to be extremely self compassionate?

Now the third step in the process of navigating the judgment of another person on you, is to use it the opportunity to reframe their judgment, instead focusing on your own personal growth.

So instead of getting upset, you can notice what you're feeling. Have compassion for yourself, and then reframe by telling yourself something like, Hey, this is an unexpected opportunity I'm getting today to learn and grow. "Hmm, How do her words, right now, as painful as they may be, to me align with any goals that I might have for myself?

Do any of her thoughts, dovetail with my thoughts about myself or goals that I have for myself?" So trying to find out where is the growth in this moment? For example, if my daughter is criticizing the way I dealt with a conflict between her two older brothers, I can ask myself, "Hmm, does what she's saying right now make sense? Do her words dovetail with my goal, which is actually to have smoother conversations between all of our family members?" That can help us move the ball forward.

Maybe I can then ask her to explain some more about what she's thinking or seeing, rather than just me getting defensive or upset with her for pointing out whatever it was that she saw and thought was relevant.

So by developing a growth mindset, and then embracing my own challenges, and even my failures as actual opportunities where I can learn and grow, I can use this situation to lift myself up and push me forward on my path toward becoming a better person, rather than letting my brain use it as evidence of any of my own personal shortcomings.

Now, we have one more tip today. The last tip I want to share with you is to remember how to set healthy boundaries in a very gentle way. Because boundaries are for you. They're not against the other people in your life. So if I set a boundary with my 14 year old daughter, she well she's 13. She's almost 14. Well, if I set a boundary with her. It is not because I'm trying to punish her, I am actually setting a boundary a healthy one just to protect myself it is to keep my heart, my mind and my body intact and thriving, even when people around me are not like, you know, just spouting words of poetry and delight.

So remember, boundaries are for you. They're not against other people in your life. They're to keep YOUR heart, mind and body intact and thriving.

A healthy boundary is not punitive. Instead, it is protective. You can assert your own values and your beliefs in a calm and kind way, which can help the people in your life to understand the things that are acceptable to you and what's not.

It can also help reduce the impact of their judgment on you. For example, I could say to my daughter, “You have every right to have those opinions or points of view. But if you're going to share them with me in an unkind tone, then I am going to leave the room until we can speak more reasonably with each other.” Now, this sends the message that I'm open to her thoughts, and that we can speak honestly about differing views. But my boundary is that it's very important to speak, even honesty, with respect and courtesy, and a good tone of voice. So that's pretty important.

Today, I have shared with you four different ways that you can better deal with the judgment of other people in your life. So let's review them really fast.

Number one, if you feel that you are dealing with being judged, you should notice what's happening in your body, and get really good at identifying the feelings and sensations and also the thoughts that come along with feeling judged. So that you can be like, oh, wait a second, I'm going into a sense of feeling judged. That matters, so that we don't just automatically react.

Now once you know you're being judged, and you're feeling judged, you can go into a state of self compassion, you can really love on yourself, be very kind.

And then once you're ready, you can reframe that judgment as an opportunity for personal growth or reflection. And finally, you can set some healthy boundaries that are for YOU.

And then follow those boundaries for your own health and well being.

It's totally natural that you're going to run into situations in life, when you will be at the receiving end of judgment of other people. That's just how life works. Because humans judge, you know, and we do it probably because we're always protecting ourselves from danger, we are always trying to make sure to avoid pain and seek pleasure and do so efficiently, which you know, is the motivational triad. So all this is very normal.

Whether you're getting judged by your kids or family members, or colleagues or friends or even strangers, there are very few humans that escaped the experience of feeling judged by others.

However, if you can come into it equipped with these four tools, the strategies, you're likely to embrace the judgment in a different way. And then squeeze whatever growth or truth out of it like you can kind of what they say about when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. So far from harming you, you may ultimately look back on their words of judgment as a gift that really helped you grow.

And even if you don't, you will be very proud of how you showed up for yourself, and how you manage your emotions and actions in the process of doing so. So that is all really, really helpful. Now, one last thing, in addition to self compassion, it's amazing how much compassion by itself can actually change the flow of things if you are in a judging situation.

There are always going to be people in your life who's going to have a narrow vision or strong opinions about you. You know, everybody's a critic sometimes. But do you remember that saying about how 'the surest way to destroy an enemy is to turn them into your friend.' That's actually really profoundly true.

So if you feel yourself or when you feel yourself, being judged by somebody in your life, see if you can work on building your empathy and your compassion for them. See if you can try to put yourself into their shoes for at least a few minutes, to better understand where they're coming from, and why they might be judging you. Try to understand them, what their own goals or hopes may be what they're trying to accomplish by saying these words to you.

If your boss, for example, is telling you that he needs the report that you've been working on yesterday, and he actively judges you for not having finished it yet, try to remember that despite whatever his choice of words are or his tone, that there may be a good reason behind why he needs that report. It could be that he has a boss that he's reporting to. It could be that he has a huge deadline that he can't complete without your report. Your boss may be under a lot of pressure, there could be hundreds of reasons why he's judging you.

So if you move toward empathy and compassion for him, not only will you keep yourself motivated to finish your work, but you're also going to be able to move forward more gracefully toward actually completing the project because you are feeling that warmth of compassion rather than stewing and resentment and frustration.

Compassion just feels good. And it is actually the best of all for the person who's feeling it. So if you can move yourself into a place of compassion, you are going to feel so much better rather than stewing and resentment and frustration, you're going to be filled with that warmth, of compassion that really makes you genuinely want to complete your project. Let's face it, we've all been judged, and we have all judged others at some point in our lives.

But as Maya Angelou once said, "When we know better, we do better." Thank goodness for the mindset management tools and strategies that can help us to navigate how to deal when others are judging us how to grow from it, and how to do better. And that's what I have for you today.

All right, everybody. We'll be back soon with more great new episodes of The Infinite Capacity Podcast. If you'd like to keep in touch between now and then follow me on Instagram or Facebook @thinktothrivecoaching, or you can check out my passion project, the reasonably priced Growth and Grace Coaching Collective at www.growthandgracecoaching.com. Have you left your five star review yet for The Infinite Capacity Podcast? You can do so now on Apple podcasts or your favorite podcasting platform. It's easy and quick to do and we would appreciate it so much. Have a fantastic week!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

6 Steps To Creating Healthy Boundaries

This blog post is an excerpt from a podcast originally published on April 27, 2021. If you’d rather hear it in the author’s voice (plus hear real life examples) you can visit The Infinite Capacity Podcast to listen to Episode 17!

Today I want to talk to you about healthy boundaries… what they are, how to set them, and how to know if you are making a boundary that is healthy.

What is a boundary?

The Cambridge English Dictionary defines a boundary as a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something.

I like that definition because it is so visual; and you can imagine a line on a map separating two countries or a fence separating two properties. You can picture a globe sitting on somebody’s desk showing the boundaries between countries.

It is something that we can all understand; that there is a physical limit that separates two things.  It is visible and clear, and it creates information that anyone can understand.

But boundaries can also be invisible; and they can be emotional.  This happens in relationships. An emotional boundary may be the invisible line you put down to separate yourself from another person or the way that they treat you; what they are allowed to do and not do to remain in your life as your friend, your colleague or your loved one. 

They can be the invisible line that, if crossed, alerts you that it is now time to make a change in your life or work situation.

I also want to note, before we begin talking about boundaries with other people - that creating a healthy boundary is really an inside job and it starts with us.

Most of the time, the problem isn’t nearly as much with an external circumstance or person as we may initially think it is… most of the time when we are feeling that someone has overstepped or crossed our lines, it is because we were never clear about our boundaries in the first place… either with ourself or with the other person.

Boundaries are not a new concept and there are so many amazing quotes out there that thoughtful, insightful people have shared about what a boundary is and how it can be liberating, empowering and even beautiful.

For example, novelist Anne Lamott wrote this clear phrase that is so easy to understand: “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

In “Rising Strong” Brene Brown also wrote, “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”

However, not everyone means the same thing when they talk about boundaries and that is why it is so important for us to establish what we mean when we are talking about a boundary.

Sometimes, people place boundaries as a punishment or a defense system. This is actually really common.

Those kinds of boundaries don’t come from a place of love; they aren’t seeking to serve the relationship or even the people involved.  They are meant to create distance or division and to build walls on purpose.  We are going to talk more about this later in the podcast!

How do you know when it is time to create a boundary?

Healthy boundaries for moms often fall into 3 categories:

Boundaries within ourselves

The words we say to ourselves; managing our negative self talk.

The intimacy we have with ourselves; understanding ourselves well enough to know what we can say yes to and what we need to say no to. Understanding our own energy level, what we choose to spend our time building, and how we can be our own best friend. Understanding what we want and what is healthy for us, and making commitments and decisions in advance for ourselves.

Boundaries in our relationships

The invisible lines that we create that separate us from others, that protect us and are created with love. They are FOR us and not against anyone else.

Boundaries at work

The invisible lines that we create that keep us accountable to ourselves, so that we do not agree to do a task that violates our inner value system.  Knowing when to push harder, and when to walk away.

We know it is time to create a boundary when we look at the facts of a situation and they do not jibe with our own personal value system or code of conduct.  

For example, if our boss has asked us yet again to work late and we arrive an hour later than normal to pick up our child from aftercare. If our personal value system says that we should be on time for our child; then we know the boss has crossed a line and it is time to create a healthy boundary.

What’s the difference between the kind of boundary you create with the help of a life coach like me, and the kind you would create with a psychotherapist or a counselor trained in dealing with violence and abuse?

Your physical safety supersedes all thought work.  If you are in an unsafe situation - for example one of domestic violence or sexual abuse, your safety and the safety is the top priority. Violence and abuse are not life coach territory… that is absolutely the purview of a licensed psychotherapist. There are amazing resources and people out there ready to help you create healthy boundaries if you are in an abusive situation. I will link to a few of them at the bottom of this blog post!

To be able to dig in and do powerful thought work, it is necessary that your survival needs be met... and at the base level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs we can see that safety comes way before self-actualization… so make sure that your physiological and safety needs are met first, before you begin to think about doing emotional boundary work either on your own or with a life coach.

Again, if there is any possibility that your safety is in question, this is NOT a situation for thought work and I urge you to immediately seek help from professionals trained to support people grappling with the kind of boundary setting that may involve a restraining order.

What is the difference between a punitive boundary and a healthy boundary?

A punitive boundary is intended as a punishment or consequence.  It generally comes from an emotion such as anger, resentment, frustration or hurt.

A healthy boundary is intended to create the healthiest possible outcome for all parties. It comes from love, it is typically well thought out, and not a sudden reaction.

How do you actually create a healthy boundary? What are the steps?

Quick and dirty version of the steps to create a healthy boundary, for those who don’t have the time right now to listen to the full podcast in its glory!!!

Safety First.

Then,

1. Take your time

2. Check your emotion

3. Consider communicating - words not walls

4. Like your reasons

5. Make sure the boundary is FOR you, not AGAINST someone else

6. Have your own back (& you can always re-evaluate)

Also do you need to tell the person (or organization) that you are creating the boundary for? 

No!  You do not need to inform the world or another person that you have created a healthy boundary… because the boundary is FOR you.  You are the person who will enact it, and you are the person that will receive the benefit of it.  YOU get to decide if you want to tell others about your boundary.  Remember that it is not a threat or a punishment, so the main reason you might want to share your boundary with others is if you think that discussing it may lead to constructive conversation or greater mutual understanding.

How do you check to make sure your boundary is healthy?

When you are deciding to create a boundary, make sure it is coming from an emotion that will help you create a healthy and constructive action and result.

This is so important.

Let me try to explain. You can create the same boundary.  You can decide, for example, not to work later than 5pm so that you can always pick your child up by 6.

But make sure that decision is coming from love and calm… love for yourself, love for your child, appreciation for your job, a sense that this is the healthiest decision you can make in the moment, that you will be a better employee if you are not resentful of your boss, and that you like your reasons for setting this boundary on your time. It does not need to be dramatic!

This is very different from choosing not to work past five while you are feeling angry, resentful and frustrated with your boss and your job. Those strong emotions may lead you to have the same conversation with your boss, but with tension and an increased potential for conflict.

One is thoughtful and proactive.

The other is thoughtless and reactive.

They come from different emotions and they may well have different outcomes.

If you’re going to set a boundary and stick with it, work from a healthy emotion and make sure you like your reasons.

What do you do if someone (or an organization) is really upset about a boundary you have created?

If someone else is getting upset and sitting in drama over your boundary, you know, that is their journey.  That is their situation to resolve.  They could probably benefit from working on their own thoughts and feelings. But it isn’t your drama to accept and live into.  You don’t need to take that on. 

If you stay calm and can articulate your needs from a place of peace and love, chances are very high that even in the case of a boss that wants you to work overtime, you will be able to clearly and logically articulate why you need to leave on time for your child.

The more centered you can remain within yourself, the less likely you are to live into somebody else’s drama.  Breathe easy, remember your immense value, and allow your mind to look for creative solutions to the situation without getting mired in somebody else’s emotions.

How should you react if someone has created a boundary that affects YOU and you don’t like it?

What if YOU are the recipient of someone else’s boundary?  For example, what if another person has determined that YOU are not welcome at the annual Thanksgiving dinner because they don’t like the guy you are dating, or they don’t like your politics?

The advice here is about the same. You do not need to accept and live into another person’s drama. You are allowed to think and feel however you want about their boundary… so determine to think thoughts that are constructive and healing for YOU, and focus on staying in emotions that feel good to YOU.  Nobody can ruin your day if you don’t allow their actions or words to invade your mind and heart. 

Just keep showing up in the world exactly as you want to be; and you will find that the relationships and situations that are meant for you will show up on time and with all of the beauty and joy that you deserve!!

Need More Support?

Do you have a person or situation in your life where you think some healthy boundaries are in order? Are you struggling to set your boundaries? If you find that you need more guidance or want to ask questions about how to apply all of this to your own life or a unique situation, feel free to write to me at andrea@thinktothrivecoaching.com or send me a DM through my Instagram or Facebook business pages!

Resources & Support for Domestic Violence and Abuse:

www.thehotline.org
https://www.childwelfare.gov/
https://centerforjudicialexcellence.org/resources/domestic-violence-child-abuse-resources/

7 Things I Learned From A Year of Coaching Mothers

I took on my first coaching clients in November of 2019 and officially launched my business Think To Thrive Coaching in early 2020.  

At first, I coached anyone and everyone that expressed an interest in coaching, which was honestly very fun!  In a day full of calls I might find myself coaching everything from a client buying a house, to one struggling with a smoking addiction, to one trying to improve their relationship with their partner or child.  I was coaching everyone from teens to moms to retirees, both women and men!

As my coaching practice began to grow and I had to get more selective about which clients I would focus my time with, it became clear to me that there was a strong natural connection for me with mothers in midlife. We ‘get’ each other, there is a common language. We make a good match.

And that makes sense, right? Because I’ve been a mother myself for almost 16 years now (I’ve got 3 kids) and I’m 45 - smack dab in midlife! - so a lot of the things that mothers are going through (not just with their kids but in their lives) are things that I already have real experience with.

So when my client Genny* wanted to work on rebooting her career since her kids were in middle school and high school, I understood the anxiety and doubt she was wading through on her journey to discover who she is NOW. She wasn’t looking to remember who she was before she became a mom a long time ago. Genny already had plenty of training and education; she just didn’t feel like that old career was a good fit for her new self.

I understood this because I’d spent several years working through similar feelings, before I discovered that my decades of teaching children had prepared me perfectly to become a life coach!  I’d myself had lain awake at night with a lot of the same worries and ruminating thoughts that Genny was explaining to me on our calls.  Happily though, I’d come far enough down my own path toward clarity and fulfillment (and training!) that I knew how to help Genny along her own journey.  Which felt great!

My client Samantha* decided that she wanted to lose weight in honor of her 50th birthday, in order to feel more confident while entering her new decade. I could offer her so much more than just diet plans and lists of approved foods because I knew that mindset work is more crucial (and healthy!) for weight loss than calorie counting. As a 45 year old mom, I myself have walked in plus size pants before. I know firsthand what it felt like to be overweight (60 lbs overweight in my case!!!) and how shifting my mindset and beliefs finally helped me figure out how to lose that weight permanently. I felt so excited to help Samantha with her goal!

Then there was my client Alexis* who was going through a daily power struggle with her teenage daughter; and she came to our first sessions really suffering over the loss of the closeness they’d shared when her daughter was a little girl. Thanks to my training as a life coach I knew how to help Alexis identify which thoughts and feelings were keeping her up at night; and also how to move her thinking in a more constructive direction… so that she could show up more compassionately with her daughter, and begin to rebuild their connection from a calmer, more open place.

I could connect with Alexis because I myself have worked so hard to mend and heal power struggles with my own teens, so I understand how to ask moms tough but helpful questions and help them see how to improve the negative dynamics they are experiencing with their kids.

I don’t want to make it seem like I have first-hand experience with everything my mom clients go through… because that would be a lie! I have no firsthand experience with divorce, for example, or with raising children as a single parent. But I’ve coached plenty of clients in those situations too, and it has been inspiring to see some of them make amazing personal transformations.

Over time as I coached more and more I realized that many mothers are suffering from a few main pain points:

• “Mom Guilt”

• A fear that they are failing at life

• Disappointment

• Overwhelm

• Negative self-talk

• Feeling STUCK

This is why I decided to focus my coaching practice on helping mothers grow confident, courageous and healthy in the areas that matter to them most → their relationships, their bodies and (for some) their careers. 

After a year of coaching mothers there are seven things I have learned for sure:

1. Mothers are incredibly strong, and they often don’t realize their own inner strength. Sometimes it takes seeing their lives through a different lens for them to catch a glimpse of just how amazing they are and live into their potential.

2. Mothers - including stay at home mothers - absolutely have goals and dreams of their own. They want to get further education, buy houses, travel to cool places, start their own businesses, make their own money, and earn the respect of their friends, family and colleagues. Women don’t stop dreaming just because they become mothers! (They just put themselves on the backburner, sometimes.)

3. Mothers can be incredibly hard on themselves. Some moms are really practiced at feeling guilty and beating themselves up for circumstances that are (many times) out of their control, or even just for wanting to be more than ‘just a parent.’ These moms have an internal monologue (kind of like an inner ‘mean girl’) constantly telling them what they are doing wrong. This same voice does NOT tell them about all of the things they are doing well, by the way!

4. Mothers don’t always believe that they have what it takes to action their dreams; which is why they often put off trying. However, once they see that change IS actually possible for them, they can be tenacious about building new things.  Moms are resourceful. They are often excited about experimenting with new strategies and tools, doing their homework, and reporting back about their efforts!

5. Mothers need more REAL self-care. They don’t need fancy bath soaps or new perfume for their birthday nearly as much as they need to learn how to meet their deeper needs for emotional connection, quiet time, physical exercise, quality nutrition, spirituality and ample sleep. Repeat after me, mamas: SLEEP, NOT BATH SOAPS!

6. Mothers are powerful.  When a mother finds her “why” and makes a conscious decision that she is going to create a real change in her own life, there is almost nothing that she can’t do. My clients have already improved relationships, created healthier bodies that they are so proud of, gone back to school, started new jobs and made lots of steps toward big dreams. They’ve been doing all of this while also managing virtual school for their children and in many cases also taking care of their own parents or in-laws as well, during COVID. 

7. Mothers are inspiring. Every single mom I’ve been lucky to work with in the last year has ended up teaching me something about life that I wasn’t expecting. Like the mom that mentioned in our sessions about how important it is to hug our children every day; even when they are big teenage boys (like mine) that don’t particularly like hugging their mom. She was right; a 15 year old boy may go through his entire day without a kind physical touch and that in itself is not healthy. I’ll never forget that lesson! I hug my kids a lot more these days, and I can tell that it has made a difference.

After a year of coaching mothers I can confidently say, I am so excited to dive into year TWO!  I truly love my work and my clients. Out of all of the coaches in the world, I consider myself to be the luckiest, because I get to empower mothers with a deeper connection with themselves, more courage, self-confidence and wellness! #bestjobever

*Names and some identifying details changed for anonymity!

How To Calm Your Brain When Your Child Is Injured

“Mom, I’ve hurt myself.  I’m bleeding and I need you to come pick me up.” 

Those are the words that no mother (or father) wants to hear when their 12-year-old child is out riding a bicycle in the neighborhood.

And yet, those are the words I did hear yesterday right after lunchtime.

Immediately my brain went in a million different directions.  “Did you get hit by a car?” I asked.  “What happened?  Where are you?  We are on our way!”

My son explained over his cell phone that no, he hadn’t been hit by a car… rather, he’d managed to shred up the top of his finger when he accidentally bicycled too close to a stone bollard on a side street not far from our house. “It’s a pretty deep cut so I can’t really ride my bike home. There’s a lot of blood.” 

Oh gosh… this kid and fingers!  My brain swiveled to memories of that time 3 years ago when he’d cut off the top of one finger while baking a pecan pie; or the time when he was 3 years old when his fingers got slammed in the front door. Being an athletic type of guy, this is a child that consistently takes risks and gets hurt. Ugh!

As I remembered these incidents I could feel the physiological effects of stress building up. My pulse quickened, my heart pounded so hard I could hear it in my ears; I began to get a little bit sweaty and I found that I was breathing faster.  “Hurry!” I told my husband as he jumped into our truck.

My brain had plummeted into its more primitive state; my prefrontal cortex was nowhere to be found.  I was in full-on fight-flight-freeze mode as the supercomputer inside of my skull examined all of the possible worst case scenarios. 

“Will he need stitches?  Will he need antibiotics? Will we need to go into a doctor’s office (during COVID)?  Will they send us to the ER?  Will we be exposed to COVID-19?  Will he be okay? Will we be okay?”

Within a few minutes, we had my son back at home.

Once I could actually see his hand for myself, I understood that all of these worries that my brain had tried on for size were indeed legitimate possibilities.  It was a fairly decent sized gash, twisted and bloody.  Part of the skin on his finger looked macerated.  “Wow,” I said. “How did you manage to do this while riding your bike? That’s… impressive.”

I got my boy cleaned up and bandaged and then we waited for the pediatric office to return my call.  It took a long time. My son went to his room to text his best friend.

I could feel my brain spinning and swirling.  It was still looping on all of the possible worst case scenarios. I felt a little dizzy.

This is when my prefrontal cortex decided to show up (at last!) and remind me that hey - I’m a life coach!  I actually know what to do in situations like this; I have been trained and certified to use my brain in the most effective way possible.

I sat down to do some journaling and focus on what I was feeling.  After scribbling for a few minutes I realized that there were three main emotions: Anxiety.  Stress!  Fear.  

Next, I was able to pinpoint what I would RATHER be feeling in the situation… Strength. Calm. Resolve!

What kind of a mindset would get me to strength at this moment, with so much outside of my control?

I used a variety of coaching tools to clean up my thinking. Finally, I had a breakthrough.

“I can still help him,” I realized.  “I may not know how to stitch up a human hand, and I may not be able to prescribe him medicine or protect him from COVID… but I can still help my son at this moment.”

That made me curious. What could I do to help right now?

Calling down the hall to my son I asked, “Buddy, are you hungry?”

“I’m starving, Mom!” he admitted. “I haven’t had lunch yet!”

So that was step one.  I could begin to help my son by feeding him lunch while we waited for the pediatrician to call us.  After cooking I made a list of eight more ways in which I could help my son, and realized that there was plenty of value I could still provide.

The most important one I came up with?  “I can help him by keeping a level head.”

By the time the pediatrician finally called us for the tele-health appointment I felt legitimately calm, strong and resolved.  

The doctor looked carefully at photos I had sent to her office and she came up with an excellent treatment plan.  She and I were able to have a reasonable, relaxed and intelligent conversation about my son’s injury because my brain was no longer freaking out.  We weighed the pros and cons of a systemic antibiotic. I took notes on her recommendations and by the time we signed off, I knew exactly what to do to get him back to health and I felt confident that I could do it!

In the end, I helped my son AND I helped myself yesterday by moving from anxious and stressed to calm and steady.

This is just one example of the countless ways in which life coaching helps me on a daily basis.  

If you ever find yourself struggling in the middle of an unexpected situation with one of your children I recommend that, before making any big decisions, you tune into your emotions.  You can do this by taking a breath, walking, meditating, journaling…)  and pinpointing what you’re feeling.  

When you can put a name to what you’re experiencing emotionally, you will know whether you are making decisions for your family from a healthy, constructive place. 

Are you coming from fear?  Are you feeling peace?  Is this stress?  Is it love?  Deep down, you’ll know. 

Once you figure this part out, it becomes a lot easier to create a healthy mindset and take actions that are going to result in good things for your family; for you; and for anyone you encounter along the way!

If you need help with this, mama, please do reach out.  I have real answers, tools and strategies.  I would love to support you! 

Interested in working with me? I coach women! Drop a note to hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com to tell me about the kind of support you need.

A Fit Body Begins In The Brain

My human story, like many people’s stories, involves biology and peanut butter.

It includes a physical system gone rogue and the steadfast belief that I could find a way back to real health. 

It required self-coaching - a lot of it! - that was necessary every step of the way to follow my own path even when the chorus of voices all around me was LOUD and STRONG telling me that what I was trying to do could not be done and that I was crazy to try. 

This story also involves love.  Love for self, love for family, love for life… and love for food.

I love food. These days it’s a healthy love, not a furtive one. I love to cook.  I am a foodie with an open mind when it comes to trying new things. I eat and enjoy food at least three times a day, and I feel so much gratitude when I do.

Food has not always been a genuine friend to me though; or rather I wasn’t a friend to myself. There were a lot of years when I ate for comfort and as a reward for getting through stress and sorrow. I didn’t know the words ‘emotional eating’ in my 20s or ‘buffering’ but I definitely could have explained to you that part of my strategy for dealing with a long, frustrating day at work or going on a less-than-stellar date included ending the night with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a family size bag of Kettle Chips.

For a long time, my metabolism served me just fine… and I didn’t think twice about what I put into my body. I stayed skinny and fit. Until suddenly, I didn’t!  For nearly four years my weight became almost all I thought about. You see, I’d gained 60 lbs!

Have you ever looked into the mirror and felt that the inside of you and the outside of you did not match?  This happened to me at the age of 28. It started with my first pregnancy, lasted for nearly four years, and was totally bewildering at first.  

I felt like I’d fallen dramatically into a ‘90s movie where some kind of alien creature had taken over my body from the inside… and that even though the world still looked the same through my eyes, I no longer looked like myself to the world. 

Then came a stream of diets… so many diets!  Between pregnancies I tried everything I could think of and read everything I could get my hands on about dieting.  There were South Beach diets and Hormone diets and low-fat diets and many more. I worked out religiously.  

“I’m going to the gym!” I’d announce every day when my husband got home from work, tying my sneakers and pulling on the blue-green workout shorts that I’d grown almost to hate.  And off I’d go, leaving him to be the world’s best dad with our baby boy while I threw myself like a drowning person onto the treadmill, the elliptical, weight training and the swimming pool to somehow re-sculpt my body back into what it had once been.

No matter what I did, I could not get the scale to budge more than a single pound. I went from feeling resolute to frustrated to demoralized.  “I guess this is how women become larger when they are middle-aged,” I rationalized glumly. “They get pregnant and then they just can’t lose the weight.” 

I thought of all of the plus-sized women I’d ever known and felt a new solidarity with them - plus so much compassion. These were my people. How had I not known it before?

The hardest part of this was not the extra weight.  I’d been pregnant when all of this started and soon I would be pregnant again.  I wanted my babies to be healthy and I decided not to restrict calories obsessively while pregnant; I was committed to eating lots of fruit, vegetables and high quality protein... everything that “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” and “The Girlfriend’s Guide To Pregnancy” suggested could nurture the baby’s growing bones and brain.  I took my iron and prenatal vitamins and followed all of my OB-GYN’s advice about proper nutrition. I was not going to starve either of my growing baby boys in utero.

I could deal with the weight. The brutal part was what carrying these extra pounds was doing to my mind. My thoughts about myself ravaged my joy. My confidence tanked. I compared myself constantly with other women my age. Looking at magazine covers in the grocery line became an exercise in self-torture. The hardest part about being overweight was what I imagined others were thinking when they saw me. 

“Wow, Andrea has really let herself go!”  

“Ooof, that’s too bad. She used to look better.”

“Yikes - time has NOT been kind.”

My husband loved me with unwavering sincerity and kindness throughout every iteration and incarnation of this unfamiliar body during the years from 2004 - 2008.  Every time I’d moan about my new weight, he’d remind me that the only thing that mattered was having good health… and then he’d tell me that he found me super attractive. 

The problem was, I did not agree. I no longer found me attractive. I hated going shopping for new clothes and I hated trying them on. I hated that I was now a size 10 when for most of my adult life I’d been a size 0-2. 

A friend we’d just made, at our house for a party, looked at a framed photo of us from before my husband and I were married.  “Wow, you were a little thing back then, weren’t you?” he exclaimed to me with a smile… and although I smiled politely and said thank you, I wanted to shout at him, “I AM STILL ME. YOU JUST CAN’T SEE ME!  I’VE GOTTEN LOST IN THIS BODY... BUT I’M STILL HERE!”

I went in cycles where I’d:

• eat next to nothing for weeks to try to drop the weight (which I later learned never works because your body goes into fight-flight-freeze and hangs onto all of its extra weight... just in case you’ve encountered an unexpected famine)

• get sick of all of the dieting, utter some kind of profanity like a war cry and eat an entire cake in one sitting.  Because, @#%^ it!

And on and on.

I never gave up though… even though there were times when it got pretty darn discouraging.  When I gave birth to my second son in June 2007 I weighed in at 186 lbs. This was 70 lbs heavier than I had been when I graduated from high school… and 60 lbs heavier than I had been at any time in my 20s.  The weight did not come off after my pregnancies. I did not ‘bounce back’ like a movie star. 

Would you like a sneak peek of the ending of this story?  It’s a truly happy one; but maybe not the same kind of happy that you’re thinking.

After 3 years I figured my own weight puzzle out.  I saw doctors and nutritionists, I read and read and studied and researched and experimented and I did create a health protocol that works for me. 

I dropped the weight - all of it - and I have kept it off since 2008. My bloodwork is now outstanding. For twelve years I have again enjoyed the body of my early 20s.  It has become strong. I can hike, climb, swim and run… plus keep up with those beautiful (now teenage) sons of mine and their little sister.  

And, while I vacillate between wearing size 2-4, I have managed to create excellent and consistent health in a body that turned out not only to be overweight but riddled with autoimmune disease… high cholesterol; borderline diabetic. Thyroid issues and a poorly functioning esophagus.

They are all well-controlled now. I am a healthy 44 year old woman.

I take no medication.  I use no diet pills. There is no wonder drug.  I created a life protocol based solely on nutrition and exercise, and for me, it has worked.  I am blessed now with vibrant, consistent health.

This is NOT my happy ending though.  

My real happy ending isn’t what I did to heal my body; although it’s truly great to recognize myself in the mirror again. My happy ending is what I created inside of my mind!!! 

The hardest and most important work a person will ever do in creating their future health and joy is the work they will do within their brain. 

This work makes the difference between losing extra weight over and over again (just to yo-yo right back) and keeping it off long-term.  

It’s the difference between frantic dieting and self-loathing... vs. intentional eating and self-love.  

It’s the difference between crying and wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” versus moving forward skillfully with the confidence that your body is like a ship and you know how to sail it through a storm. 

Here are just a few of the things I learned, and that I now teach others:

• I know how to love myself in all bodies and all incarnations.

• I know the difference between eating because I am hungry and eating because I am sad-stressed-embarrassed-frustrated-overwhelmed.

• I know my triggers, and how to address the REAL problems in my life rather than buffering with food and drinks. 

• I know how to embrace discomfort.

• I know how to make decisions ahead of time and stand by them.

• I know how to create my own protocol by listening to my own body, my own good sense, and my own evaluation of the research that exists about health and nutrition.

• I know how to let EVERYONE around me have their own opinion about what I eat and drink, and how not to let their thoughts or feelings affect mine! 

• I know how to alleviate feelings of deprivation and scarcity and I understand how not to overdesire food. 

• I know my WHY.

I have done all of this work on myself. It made such a profound difference in my own life that I realized I had to share it! So, I’ve trained intensively and become professionally certified to help others do it too as a life and weight coach. 

My clients who are working on creating their own strong, healthy bodies are excitedly seeing the benefits of this work!  Each of their protocols are unique and individualized; yet they are all firmly back in the driver’s seat of their own health again.

“I’m losing weight,” they tell me, “But that’s the easy part. There are a hundred ways to lose weight! The best part is that I finally understand myself and my triggers. I feel truly in control of my health again. I know that this time the extra weight is really going to stay off… because it isn’t just my body that has healed. I am finally healing my brain.”

If you have ever felt like an alien in your own body, yet have the desire and motivation to get back to health and fitness, I can help with coaching and accountability!  Send me a message at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here and let’s talk!

Manage Your Sphere Plus ONE Extra Thing!

I haven’t seen my 82 year old mother in weeks now, even though she lives just 5 blocks away.  Ever since California Governor Gavin Newsom advised adults 65+ to stay at home, Mom has followed orders.

We speak every day on the telephone for up to an hour. Last week I ran an errand for her, and recently my brother brought groceries and left them outside of her door. A few days ago I walked to her house and we waved to each other and smiled, separated by the window. Keeping Mom safe during COVID-19 has become a central mission in my family… for the four of her children that remain, she is absolutely our national treasure.   

My big sister, a genius quilter and crafter, is busy sewing scores of face masks to donate to local hospitals.  Her washable cotton masks fit over the personal protective equipment (PPE) that doctors and nurses are legally required to wear - which they are quickly running out of - and will help those masks last longer.  It’s not a perfect situation but she was asked to do this by two of her close friends that are nurses. She is working hard and doing whatever she can to help!

I myself don’t have a sewing machine or fabric… however I too am focused on doing what I can. I’ve opened up a bunch of additional online session time slots to coach as many people as I can who need help or support right now; anyone dealing with anxiety or stress… plus anyone who wants to take this sudden, unexpected downturn in the economy as an opportunity to reinvent themselves and realize their life goals and dreams.  

It isn’t as practical as sewing face masks or delivering food to an Emergency Room (looking into how to do that!) but it’s something I can do right away to help. Several of my clients are physicians or nurses and it feels really good to offer emotional and psychological support to people who are marching off to the front lines of this battle with COVID-19 every day. If I can lighten their load even a tiny bit, that’s everything to me. I’m also making short inspirational videos and writing blog posts that can be passed around.  

The magnitude of COVID-19 may seem vast and overwhelming; but there is a very simple strategy that we can all follow, no matter who we are, to get the best results possible right now.  That strategy is called Manage Your Sphere… plus ONE extra thing.

“What’s my sphere?” you may ask, “And how do I manage it?”

Your sphere of influence is what you can actually see, touch and have an immediate effect upon. For many of us, that might be one room right now… one apartment.

Managing it might be simply washing up your dishes after you’ve made lunch. It could be doing laundry for your kids, because even stuck at home in quarantine, kids manage to get amazingly messy and they still create endless laundry. If you are lucky enough to have a business it may be managing employees from home, and if you are lucky enough to still have a job it may be simply showing up on time and getting your work done!  

Many have found themselves suddenly unemployed right now, wondering frantically how they are going to pay bills or take care of their family. I just saw an advertisement from a humane society in Nebraska (I live in California) begging people to adopt new pets because many people who have just been laid off cannot afford to take care of their animals anymore and are relinquishing them to the humane society.  

“How can I manage my sphere,” you may ask, “When I’m losing my job or my house or my pet… and when people I love may die?  How do I move forward under circumstances like these?”

The answer is to start small.  Manage Your Sphere… plus ONE extra thing means starting with what IS in your control… no matter how little it is.  Your small steps forward will lead to further steps… which will lead ultimately to big steps.  

You may not be able to manage COVID-19 or your financial future at this exact moment, but perhaps you CAN manage to do 10 pushups or 10 sit ups, right where you are.  You CAN manage to make your bed, brush your teeth, or put on clean clothing and make yourself something to eat. Start small, and manage what you can.  

Once you’ve managed your sphere, see if you can do ONE extra thing.  

What kind of an extra thing?  Well, how about some of these:  Send a kind text to a friend. Check on an elderly relative or neighbor.  Draw a picture with chalk (if you have it) on your driveway or sidewalk (if you have those) to brighten somebody’s day.  Post a photograph of something beautiful on a social network. Draw a message to yourself on your mirror of something positive - remind yourself that you have everything it takes to get through hard times.  Make a list of all of the tough things you’ve gotten through in the past.  

Lastly, capture all of the good and great things you are doing (no matter how small they are).  Keep track so that you can remind yourself of how capable you really are, even during super tough times.  Make a list of everything you manage to accomplish in your day - especially if/when you are feeling very badly!  There is no shame in writing down, “I got dressed today, made myself lunch and began to update my resume.” And if you can add ONE extra… such as, “At 5pm I called my grandfather to check in,” then you have truly won the day.

To recap, here are the 3 steps to follow with this strategy:

1. Manage your sphere - all that IS in your control, even if it’s not much.

2. Do ONE extra thing, for yourself or someone else!

3. Write it all down. Keep track of your successes.

Day by day, you are going to walk your way out of this COVID-19 crisis… and when you get to the other side, you are going to look back and realize that every single step forward and every “ONE extra” you did was not just necessary… it was also beautiful. 

Manage Your Sphere… plus ONE extra thing is how you will become the strong, successful future self that you are destined to be. 

Good luck and please keep me posted.  After publishing this blog I myself am going to go scrub a bathroom and make sure my 3 kids have finished their homework! 

What does it look like to manage your sphere?  What is your ONE extra thing today? Please post below, I’d genuinely love to know. 

Let Go Lightly

“Hold on tightly, let go lightly.”

There’s a funny story that a dear friend of mine used to share about me; or rather about something that happened during my junior year of high school.  A bunch of us had gone together to see some kind of musical or show in the school’s auditorium. I was seated next to a boy that I’d dated for about 5 months but who had broken up with me at the start of the new school year. 

“Every time I looked over,” my friend chuckled, “Andrea would be leaning a little bit toward Samuel*... and Samuel would be leaning a little bit further away from Andrea.”  

My friend then held up his hands in parallel to show each of his palms starting to lean gradually to the left in unison, as a visual explanation. 

When he recounted this story to our friends we all laughed hysterically - me included - but deep down I felt embarrassment and shame. I knew my friend’s story was true. I was smart enough to recognize that I was obviously holding on to a past relationship that didn’t want to be held! 

Everyone around me could see that it was way past time for me to let go. I could see it too! I just didn’t know how.

Learning how to let go lightly is a skill you can develop over time and it begins with your thoughts. 

There are so many reasons why people don’t let go of things.  Inside of their own brains, those reasons usually make sense, too!

Junior year of high school was several decades ago now but I can still remember my 16 year old brain thinking, “I miss being Samuel’s girlfriend.”  That thought made sense to me at the time and, since the feeling that accompanied it was yearning, I leaned toward Samuel in the auditorium without even meaning to!

People of all ages hold on to lots of things tightly… way beyond just their past relationships. 

They hold onto:

• jobs that bring them stress

• sorrows that bring them pain

• fears that hold them back

• beliefs that they were raised with

• self-hate about their own bodies

• prejudices

• possessions they don’t need

• the need to be right 

• dreams that didn’t come true

• children that are ready to grow up

A lot of times humans actually KNOW that they should let go. Their reasons for holding on can always be found in thought errors (flawed reasoning or rationalization).

They think thoughts like:

• “I hate this job... but if I quit, I may never find a better one.”

• “I wish I could fly to Japan... but I’m too scared that the airplane will crash.”

• “If I break up with him... my family will never forgive me.”

• “I don’t really like playing football anymore... but if I quit, my Dad will kill me.”

• “I’d love to stop drinking on weekends... but if I do my friends won’t want to hang out with me!”

• “I know my son Danny is seventeen now... but he’s still too young to date.”

Even though all of these are just thoughts, they seem real to the people who are thinking them. You may have friends that confide in you and share thoughts just like these. They’ll tell you their thinking calmly and emphatically, or really seriously, just like they’re reading you the news!

They don’t even realize that these are just projections, imaginings or opinions. They think they are just telling you THE FACTS!

Thoughts like these can be SO strong that people hold onto all kinds of other humans, behaviors and situations WAY PAST when it’s time to let go.  They hold on even when they know they shouldn’t… that the behavior is not constructive and not moving them forward into a life that they actually WANT to choose!

Letting go lightly is an art form.  It requires trust, self-confidence, faith… and, a lot of times, self-love.  To let go lightly, a person has to dig deep and truly believe in themselves.  

It often also means that they have to address their own deep-seated fears and anxieties head-on.

Letting go lightly looks more like this: 

• “I am scared to quit this job but I truly believe I will figure things out and find a better one.”

• “I am scared to fly to Japan, but I know that I will be so proud of myself and so excited when I get to Tokyo.”

• “If I break up with him, my family may be upset but I know we will all get through it and be okay.”

• “I don’t like playing football.  My Dad may be upset at first, but I believe he will come to understand and we will build a strong relationship in a different way.”

• “I’d love to stop drinking on weekends, and I have faith that I’ll still have a ton of friends - even if I need to go out and make some new ones!”

• “My son Danny is 17 and I’m scared that he’ll get hurt or make a mistake but deep down I know he’s ready to decide for himself if he wants to date anybody.”

This kind of thinking is not automatic for any of us but, with focus and practice, humans can get really good at letting go when it’s time to do so.

In summary, the thoughts you choose to think on a daily basis can either make letting go really easy for you, or really hard.  

Is there anything (or anyone!) that you are holding onto that you know you need to let go of?  If your answer is YES, try answering the following questions for yourself:

1. What are 3 great reasons why I should trust and believe in myself today?

2. What’s a good way that I can show love and compassion to myself in this moment? 

3. What are the fears I will need to overcome to finally let this go? 

Your answers to these questions will help you to understand yourself better, relax, and move forward.

Holding on tightly isn’t a requirement of life, it’s usually just a reaction. You can actually train your brain to let go lightly, and chances are that you’ll feel SO much better when you do! 

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love are struggling to let go of something or someone, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

*Name changed for anonymity

Freeing Yourself from the Imaginary Alternative to Live Fully NOW

Have you ever found yourself daydreaming about the future you might have had, if only something had happened differently in your past?

• “If only I hadn’t broken up with my high school sweetheart, we might be married today with two kids!”

• “If only I hadn’t dropped out of school, I might be making six figures!”

• “If only I hadn’t gotten sick, we wouldn’t be in so much debt today!”

I like to call this kind of thinking, “The Imaginary Alternative.” 

It seems so harmless, just a simple fantasy here and there about the WHAT IFs.  Entire movies have been built around this concept, consider the romantic classic film Sliding Doors (1998) where if only Gwyneth Paltrow’s character had caught the train that day instead of missing it, her entire life trajectory would have been different.

People use imaginary alternatives as a way of comforting themselves during tough times, almost like a buffer from pain.  They think, “If only X had happened, I bet I would be the amazing person now that I know deep down I am meant to be!”

Notably, fantasies about what could have been are almost always POSITIVE.  

It’s pretty rare for one of my clients to think or express something like, “If I hadn’t met my husband, I might actually be desperately lonely today…” or, “If I hadn’t gotten to fill that prescription at the pharmacy, my daughter might actually not have recovered from her pneumonia and we could’ve had a terrible tragedy on our hands.”  

Humans typically focus on how things in their real life aren’t perfect… and imagine how they could’ve been better. They don’t often consider that they may already be living in the best of all possible scenarios.

There can be a real downside to focusing on your Imaginary Alternative.  

When you are busy thinking about all of the ways in which your life could have turned out better if you’d made a different choice in the past, you are neglecting yourself.

You are not focusing all of your energy on where you are RIGHT NOW. You are not fully investing in what you want to create IN THIS MOMENT.

That wife or girlfriend sitting at your kitchen counter is a person with whom you still have tremendous potential because the relationship is happening NOW.

When you’re busy fantasizing about a girl you dated 12 years ago rather than the actual human eating breakfast next to you, you lose out on the opportunity to make THIS relationship all that it can be.

You may also be giving up your power to own your results.  Your past-focused thoughts hide the truth from you - that you have the ability at any moment to adopt new ideas, take new actions and build amazing new relationships and opportunities.  

If you spend your time thinking sorrowfully about what you didn’t do, you rob yourself of the realization that you are fully in charge of how you show up in your own life and what you can do right now.

Who DO you want to be, today?

Is it productive for you to spend your day ruminating on the job you lost 3 years ago? Or do you want to work on finding new work, growing as a candidate, and moving forward?

If you could channel and focus all of your mental energy directly back into your life as it is now, what would you want to build?  What would you want to change?  

What would you CREATE if you could make anything possible for yourself? 

The Imaginary Alternative will always be just that… imaginary. It’s make believe. It may feel good in the moment but it has no real constructive value in your life. Thinking about what ‘could have been’ may even take away from the quality of your present day, by making you feel nostalgic, sad or melancholy.  

Luckily, life has a gift for you.

You have a new day right here. 24 hours of potential, unfolding right in front of you.  

Everything that has happened in your life has led you to this moment, so that you can use it to forge a beautiful and amazing future.  

It may be a cliche but there is real truth to this concept: “If you can dream it, you can do it.”  No matter how old you are or what happened (or didn’t happen) in the past, you CAN start fresh… moving forward with your eyes not fixed on the hypothetical rearview mirror but instead on the HORIZON.  

• Do you have an imaginary alternative that you like to dream or ruminate about from time to time?  

• Does it take away from the quality of your day-to-day life?

• Do you have trouble staying focused on the present?

• Is it impacting your ability to create an inspiring and incredible future?  

If you’d like to apply this concept to your REAL life, right now and need some help, support or teaching as you learn to manage your thinking and harness your own fantastic mental power, coaching can help!

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love would like to free yourself from your own ‘Imaginary Alternative’ and live an incredible life NOW, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

Coronavirus worries? 5 Tips to Create and Maintain a Healthy Mindset!

“I can’t sleep at night,” Maria* tells me. “I am literally laying awake in my bed at night worrying about this coronavirus.”

“Why?” I ask. Maria is a newer client, so we are just getting to know each other.

“My brain won’t turn off,” she explains. “I keep thinking about my kids, wondering about Jon’s asthma. I feel like my mind is stuck. I’m stressed out about getting extra medical supplies, trying to make sure I will have everything he needs if the pharmacies run out ...or, worse, what I will do if he gets the virus.”

“What’s your main concern?”

“That I’m going to mess up. That I’m unprepared. What if this gets bad and something happens to one of them, or to me?  What if I haven’t done enough? What if one of us… (Maria lowers her voice nearly to a whisper)... dies?” Her eyes fill with tears.

“From everything I’ve read and heard, the virus does not seem to be affecting children that much,” I remind Maria. “Odds are good that your kids are going to be okay, even if they do get the virus. It seems to be impacting elderly people a lot more.”

“I know,” she nods, “But I’m still completely stressed out.”

“Let’s look at it a little more deeply. When you find yourself thinking that you or one of your kids might die from the COVID-19, what emotion do you feel?” 

“Devastated,” she admits.  “I feel helpless and sad.”

“Which one of those feelings is strongest?  Devastation, helplessness or sorrow?”

“I guess it’s helpless,” Maria says. “Helpless because this thing is out there and I can’t control it. I can’t stop it from coming to my city or my kids’ school or my house. I can’t stop it from affecting my family.”

Maria is not alone right now.  People all over the United States, and all over the world, are experiencing a similar sense of anxiety, stress and fear related to the spread of the Wuhan coronavirus.

When you turn on the news, it’s one of the top stories on radio stations and television. At dinners, parties or BBQs with friends, coronavirus is now a leading topic of discussion. Coronavirus anxiety is growing and spreading, just like the virus itself.  Maybe faster!

This kind of anxiety isn’t productive though, and it doesn’t actually help Maria or her son Jon to survive, let alone thrive, during a possible pandemic. 

Maria is ruminating, which is a way of describing the process of continuously thinking the same negative thoughts, over and over.  

Ruminating isn’t good for mental health.  It has been shown to prolong periods of depression and make it difficult for humans to think clearly and process information.  It can also make a person feel intensely alone and isolated. 

In a situation such as an international health crisis, worrying and ruminating are unlikely to help Maria to make decisions for herself and for her family from a calm and thoughtful place.  

“What would you like to be feeling right now?” I ask Maria.

“I’d love to feel prepared,” she sighed.  “Like, whatever happens, I’ve done my best.  I’d like to think, “I’ve got this.”

“Great,” I smile.  “If you really KNEW that you were as prepared as possible, what would you do?”

“I guess I would relax a little,” she says.  “I would spend time with Jon and my other kids, and really focus on enjoying my time with them. I would focus on just being a good mom.”

“I have great news,” I smile. “All of that is actually available to you… right now!” 

As we continue with our session I will help Maria delve more deeply into how her thoughts and feelings produce the actions that she takes and the results that she sees in her life.

I will show her how adapting her thinking and her focus can create relaxation and improved focus right in this exact moment.

I am also happy to share tools and strategies with Maria that can help her to turn down the volume of her anxiety so that she can actually enjoy her day and her relationships.

Here are some of the additional strategies I would share with Maria to help her decompress:

Make a plan. 

Instead of fixating on the problem, Maria and I can work together to develop a concrete plan that addresses the concerns that are keeping her up at night.  We can calendar the times when she will call the doctor for new prescriptions, drive to the pharmacy and pick up any supplies that little Jon may need.

Take action.

Maria can tackle every obstacle in her path as though it was an item on her “to do” list.  For example, “The doctor’s office never calls me back,” can become “I will call the doctor’s office on my morning break at 10:15 and leave a message.  If they do not call me back I will physically drive to the office on my lunch break and speak to them in person, to see about getting our prescriptions.”

Poke holes in automatic thought patterns.

Maria’s brain is convinced that scary thoughts like, “Jon may die from the coronavirus” may be a fact. Maria can poke holes in this kind of thinking by reminding herself that her son Jon is much more likely to stay healthy and survive it. As a child, his risk of having a severe case of COVID-19 is very low.  Maria can question her own anxious thoughts by asking herself, “Is that really true?” when she thinks about a possibility that is dark, scary or sad.

Meditate.

Meditating can be enormously helpful when it comes to ruminating.  When people find their minds overwhelmed with anxious thoughts that seem to repeat on a loop it’s useful to carve out 15 minutes to sit alone in a quiet space.  Focus only on breathing, in and out, and allow the brain to witness its thoughts without becoming emotionally involved with them. If Maria has trouble meditating, she can try using one of the many meditation apps on the market such as “Calm”.  

Exercise.

When humans exercise, chemicals in the brain called endorphins are produced.  Endorphins are not only natural painkillers but they also help people like Maria to sleep at night, which will also reduce her physical and mental stress.  Even just 5-10 minutes of doing any kind of aerobic activity has the capacity to reduce her level of anxiety. 

These techniques will help Maria to break her thought loops, and they can help you too!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As a life coach, I wear a lot of hats. Part of my job is helping my clients to achieve their goals… so if your biggest goal right now is to buy water and face masks, I can help you get organized and follow through on your desire to do that.  We can make a plan, and I will provide accountability and support.

However an even bigger part of what I do is clients look at their conscious and subconscious mindsets in order to figure out if their current way of looking at the world is constructive. 

Is your current thinking about COVID-19 helping you? Is it motivating you and making you feel calm and ready? Or is it making your day-to-day life harder, more uncomfortable or more painful?

Is there another way of looking at coronavirus that would be easier, gentler, more inspiring and more peaceful?  Is there a point of view that will help you move through your day and get things done without feeling devastated and exhausted? 

If you or someone you love has been feeling overwhelmed by feelings of panic and fear over the recent worldwide spread of the coronavirus, coaching can help in a variety of ways.  A good coach can teach you how to implement strategies in your own life that will create true mental and emotional health!

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love are struggling with anxiety or stress over the COVID-19 outbreak, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

*Name and identifying information has been altered to protect client anonymity. “Maria” is also a composite of multiple clients.

Unconditional Love: How YOU Can Transform Your Relationships and Feel Better!

What does unconditional love mean to you?

I asked this of a few clients recently, and each of them had a pretty recognizable answer:

• “It means loving somebody, no matter what their actions are.”

• “It means loving a person or people, even when it’s hard to do.”

• “Unconditional love means that you keep your heart open, even when you’d sometimes rather rather close it.”

When we think about feeling true unconditional love, it pretty often comes up in context to children and animals. 

Humans find it easier to forgive, be peaceful, and wholly love when it comes to others that we perceive to be young and/or defenseless.  When your little puppy vomits on your expensive rug, it’s easier to show up kindly and with compassion.

If your three year-old daughter had a big tantrum at the mall it might be frustrating or even embarrassing in the moment but very few of us would ever think the thought, “Maybe she and I shouldn’t be together anymore!”

We place very different expectations on our romantic partners or other adults, however.

If your 35 year-old spouse had their own tantrum at the mall, your frustration and embarrassment at that moment might lead you to suggest all kinds of things: “Let’s take a break,” “I think you need professional help!” or even, “Grow up!!!”

Loving another human unselfishly and without conditions means that you genuinely care about the happiness of that person.  Unconditional love means that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help another person feel good without expecting any particular behavior or reward in return.  

Most adults have long lists of expectations about their romantic partners.  

• “He needs to be tidy.”

• “She needs to be a good cook.”

• “He needs to call or text me.”

• “She needs to take care of her physical appearance.”

In fact, over the course of our lifetime, humans usually develop an entire internal instruction guide for how other people “SHOULD” act in order for us to love or even like them.  This is actually the opposite of unconditional love, because we place a lot of conditions on how we will show up for another person:

• “If he takes me on a romantic getaway, it means that he really loves me so then I can put down my guard and fully love him too.”

• “If she doesn’t call or text me too often, it means that she is strong and independent, so then I can allow myself to put down my guard and fully love her too.”

• “If he helps out around the house, it means that he understands how exhausting my days are with the kids, so then I can feel romantic and affectionate about him.”

• “If she doesn’t fuss about me going out with my friends on the weekend, it means she really understands what I need, so then I can feel excited about being with her.”

There are so many if-then clauses in romantic relationships, we could write an entire math workbook about it!

The same rules apply to other kinds of relationships too… with our parents, siblings, friends and even work colleagues.

“If my mother offers to babysit my kids, it means that she is an excellent grandma, so then I can teach my kids to love and honor her.” (If she doesn’t, I will feel resentful and angry.)

“If my boss gives me a raise, it means that he sees my worth and believes in me, so then I will respect him and say only great things about him.” (If he doesn’t, I will badmouth him in the staff room.)

The problem with loving people in this way - with “shoulds” and conditions - is that there is SO much room for disappointment and negativity. 

Every time we have an expectation about how others should behave, or what they should say, we are setting ourselves (and our relationships) up for failure and pain.

The problem with emotions like disappointment and frustration is that when we feel them, WE are the ones feeling awful. Our feelings don’t upset the person we’re upset with. They affect us!

When I’m really upset with someone I can walk around all day feeling low and sad. My mind ruminates on what has happened, rather than focusing on the work I love, enjoying time with others, exercising, playing with my kids and generally feeling happy and healthy.

What if, instead of feeling negativity, you could just LOVE your dad, your best friend, your spouse, your boss… unconditionally!

What would that be like for you?

What would that feel like for you?

How would your life change if you could show up full of unconditional love and just accept everyone exactly as they are?

Now, I’m not suggesting that you let people walk all over you!  OF COURSE you should have healthy boundaries that feel good to you.

But, what if someone could let you down and you could simply feel love for them?

What if they didn’t play by your rulebook, but lived according to their own rules… and you could love them anyway? 

Is there EVER a time when loving someone doesn’t feel better than being upset with them?

You don’t have to hang out with a person who isn’t meeting your needs, but does it ever actually feel good, or make your day better, to experience a ton of negative emotions toward another human?  Do resentment, bitterness, rage, frustration and regret actually feel great?

Wouldn’t love feel better?

Multiple studies have documented the health benefits of practicing unconditional love including:

• having a stronger immune system

• experiencing greater resilience to stress

• increasing your ability to form positive, healthy relationships

Unconditional love is freeing.  It is empowering. If you don’t believe me, give it a try!  

Who is someone you can practice loving unconditionally today?  

• The worker at the dry-cleaning store that doesn’t have your order ready on time?

• The waitress at the restaurant that gets your order wrong?

• The friend who cancels your coffee date at the last minute because she overslept?

• The husband who forgot it was your anniversary?

The next time you find yourself in a moment where an adult has said or done something that you feel upset or badly about, I challenge you to take a deep breath and explore having unconditional love for them.  You may be surprised by how much better it feels to live your life with compassion and acceptance.

You’ll free up so much emotional energy, you just might find it easy-peasy to LOVE YOURSELF unconditionally too! 

Are you struggling to feel unconditional love for someone in your life, but really want to explore this as an option for your own health and happiness?? If so, coaching can really help! It changed my life and I know it can change yours too.

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love would like to create or build an incredible relationship based on unconditional love, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

Blog Photo Credit: T.R. Brunson Jr. (Instagram: @tedbrunson)

“My Boss Drives Me Nuts!” How Your Mindset Shapes The Way You Perform At Work.

(PART 2 OF SERIES)

Lissy* comes to our session bursting at the seams with news she wants to share about her boss, Jeremy.  

“So then he says to me, ‘I’m going to need you to work this weekend,’ even though he KNOWS that I requested to have this weekend off for my boyfriend’s cousin’s wedding.  I asked for the time off almost TWO MONTHS AGO! It’s been on the department calendar FOREVER!”

“Hmmmm…” I nod, and begin to take notes.

“YEAH!” She shakes her head in frustration.  “Can you believe the nerve of that guy?”

Lissy dives headlong back into her story about Jeremy, who is in her mind, ‘The world’s WORST boss.’  

She tells me how angry she is at Jeremy; how she hates working for him and how she thinks he is a really selfish and thoughtless person.  

Lissy signed up for life coaching with me last month because she feels unhappy in her current job and wants to figure out a different direction for her career.  In the three sessions we’ve had so far, she has started each time by sharing a lot of stories of incidents at work to explain her reasons for hating her job and disliking the people she works with… especially her boss.

As Lissy’s coach, it’s very important for me to listen to her carefully.  My role, rather than becoming emotionally invested in her discomfort and past experiences, is to hold space for her and help Lissy to look beyond the surface to figure out what is really going on for her at work. Later I will provide support and accountability as she decides for herself what she wants to build in her career.

“So, your boss told you that he needs you to work this weekend, even though you had the time off,” I reiterate.

“Yes!  Can you believe that!!!”

“What crossed your mind when he said to you, ‘I need you to work this weekend?’”

“I thought, ‘How dare he treat me like this!  He doesn’t value me at all!’” 

“Ok.  So when you started thinking that your boss doesn’t value you at all, how did you feel?”

“ANGRY!” Lissy exclaims. “Sooooo frustrated.  Now I have to tell my boyfriend Mark that I can’t go to his cousin’s wedding after all.  I already bought my dress and I was really looking forward to going to the wedding. It was going to be SO much fun!”

“Got it,” I reply.  “When you were feeling angry at your boss, what did you do?”

“Well, I sure as heck let him know that I was NOT happy!  I marched straight down to HR to let them know that I do NOT appreciate being asked to work on my scheduled time off.  We actually had a department lunch off-site that day and I told all of those guys about it. I told everyone what a dirtbag move Jeremy pulled, and what a bad boss I think he is.”

“I see.  What would you normally have been doing that afternoon, or talking about at lunch, if this situation hadn’t come up?”

“Oh gosh,” Lissy sighs.  “I guess I would have been working on finishing up the presentation I’m supposed to give next week in Atlanta.  It’s really important… we’re trying to land a new client. I wanted to get all of my work done on that project before the weekend, because I THOUGHT I was going to be at a wedding with my boyfriend!  Now I still have a bunch of things left to do.”

“So… you’re telling me that when you felt angry, you spoke with a lot of people including your boss about how unhappy you were.  You then talked your boss down openly. You didn’t finish your work or make sure you were fully prepared for your presentation next week?”

“Yep,” Lissy agrees.  “That about covers it!”  She nods, looking slightly sheepish.  “I do wish I’d gotten everything done.”

“Do you normally talk people down at the office?” I ask.

“No,” she shakes her head. “Only this guy. He’s the worst!”

I smile at Lissy. “The reason you hired me is to help you figure out what is happening inside of your brain… so you can set new goals… and discover the right career path for your future.”

“That sounds so great,” Lissy grins for the first time since we started our session.  “I can’t wait to do something new.”

“Before we can move on to something new though, we need to understand the patterns you’re currently working with. We need to figure out your habits, because those come with you to any new job.”

“When your boss told you that he needed you to work this weekend, you immediately thought that he does not value you… which made you feel angry.  After you started to feel angry, you talked negatively about him to many people at your work including HR and you didn’t focus on completing your work to the best of your ability.”

“That’s fair,” she nods.

“Do you see then that the result of thinking that your boss doesn’t value you is that you were not valuing your job?”

“YES!” she agrees, “I DON’T value this job.  I can’t wait to get a new one!”

“Not only were you not valuing your job… you were actually making yourself a bit less valuable to your workplace, in that moment.”

Missy nods silently.

“Why do you think you aren’t valuing your job right now?” I ask.

“Well there are a million reasons!” she says, “But at the top of the list is that I hate my boss!”

“I know you think that the reason you don’t value your job is because you hate your boss. But really, the reason you don’t value your job at this moment is because you are thinking that your boss does not value you.  We don’t even know if that is true.”

“Well obviously, he doesn’t!  If he valued me, he would have honored my time off!”

“I know that seems correct in your brain,” I respond, “But actually, it’s just the way you’re looking at the situation.  Why do you think he asked you, of all people, to work this weekend?”

“I don’t know,” Lissy murmurs with her eyebrows furrowed.  “Maybe because I’m in charge of the department? I guess he didn’t trust my team to have it finished correctly for next week.”

“Do you really think that is why he said he needed you, specifically?”

“I mean,” she sighs. “It’s a really crucial presentation.  He didn’t ask just me to stay… he told a few of us who are flying to Atlanta that he wanted us to work over the weekend.  I guess he wants us to practice the presentation before we fly out there. Who knows, maybe he’s feeling nervous. There’s a lot riding on this for the company,” she admitted.

“I see.  So, were all of the other people he asked to work this weekend as mad as you were?”

“No, I dunno.  I don’t think so.  I mean, nobody wants to work on a Saturday… but nobody else had a wedding to go to.”

We are only 10 minutes into our session, but we’re ready to dig into powerful stuff. I begin to help Lissy explore her mindset more deeply.  She has been so convinced that her boss is out to get her, she hasn’t been really paying attention to how she herself has been showing up at the office.  She hasn’t noticed how strongly her thoughts about the boss are actually affecting her job performance.

As Lissy’s coach, I get to hold up a mirror for her so that she can get to know what’s happening inside of her brain.  I am helping her learn how to manage her own mind so that she can show up at work as a strong, competent colleague in the most effective way possible.  

I get to support her as she begins to understand how to find peace within her current job while she works on developing the career of her dreams.  

I can help Lissy take her creative power back and make more efficient use of her time, rather than handing it off weekly whenever she gets pissed off at her boss or feels that something unjust has happened. 

We still have a lot more work to do together but we are making progress.  By the end of our 60 minute session, Lissy has had an “Aha!” moment, seeing that her boss may actually have asked her to work over the weekend because she is especially good at managing two of the creative team members who are designing the digital pitch deck for their Atlanta presentation. “Those guys are great, but really flaky,” she explains.

Lissy is less angry now, and able to think clearly about she wants to show up to work over the weekend, how she wants to direct her team, and what she wants to contribute.  She is now refocused on the Atlanta presentation; which, if it goes well, will lead to new opportunities for her.  

Lissy is not alone.  Many of my clients are working on figuring things out at work; transitioning to new jobs or even pursuing totally different career paths.  Working with difficult colleagues is often a catalyst for people to consider making a change… sometimes even to leave a job they once loved.

We take our same brain into every new job though, and we use it to think thoughts about our new coworkers… so some of the best support I can possibly give my clients is to help them do the lasting work of developing their own productive, effective mindsets.

To learn more about more ways in which having a life coach on your team can tremendously improve the quality of your relationships, plus help you develop the career of your dreams, check back soon to read my upcoming article about Unconditional Love!  

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love want to make powerful and exciting shifts in your career and transform your dealings with colleagues, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

 * * * * *

“My Boss Drives Me Nuts” is loosely based on the collective experiences of a few clients.  I’ve merged their stories to show readers how coaching works! *Names and details of this story have been altered to protect anonymity. 

“I Feel Like I’ve Lost Everything!!” Isn’t Going To Get You Through The Night.

How A Coach Can Help You PERMANENTLY Mend Your Broken Heart!  

(PART 1 OF SERIES)

As a life coach, I have the best job in the world.  I love my clients, and it’s so exciting to see the ways in which our work together can lead to increased confidence, success in work and relationships, hitting big goals and charting out a clear path toward a beautiful future.  

I’ve created a series of posts to share some of the many ways in which a focused, insightful coach can offer support and accountability in tricky situations. 

Today in Part I of this series about life coaching, I’ll share “Getting Through A Broken Heart,” loosely based on the collective experiences of a few clients.  I’ve merged their stories to show readers how coaching works! Names and details of this story have been altered to protect their anonymity.  

Stuck In Heartbreak 

Aka NAVIGATING PAINFUL TRANSITIONS

“He broke my heart,” Imogen* weeps, halfway through our session.  “I just don’t see how anything in my life will ever be the same now.  We’d talked about getting married; about having kids. I thought he was the one for me. How could I be so wrong?”

She twists a silver band around her ring finger, as though imagining an engagement ring there that will now not exist.

“If we’d had kids, I was going to name one of them Thomas and the other one Charlie.  Charlie’s a name that can work for a boy or a girl,” she explains to me, as though I should understand that this makes her situation much worse.  “Now I may never be a mother!”

Imogen cries even harder, blowing her nose into a Kleenex.

Imogen is suffering because she thinks she has lost not just a boyfriend but also an entire future she had imagined for herself: the fiance and husband she had expected him to become… the children she had imagined they would create together… and even her opportunity to experience motherhood at all. 

She had created a world of beautiful-sounding, lovely-feeling thoughts.  They are now crashing down rather unceremoniously, because her boyfriend Tony has just broken up with her.  Imogen shares with me that she feels terrible and devastated. 

As Imogen’s coach, it is my job to stay neutral.  I can’t help her if I am emotional too. Instead, I get to show her that her thoughts are optional.

“Have you ever considered,” I ask her, “That the beautiful story you are telling me was just a hypothetical?  Sure, maybe you and Tony could have gotten married and had one boy and one girl and lived happily ever after… but isn’t it equally likely that there are plenty of other futures out there where things wouldn’t have gone as perfectly as in this version?”

Imogen frowns, but stops sobbing.  “What?” she asks, looking confused.

“Has it occurred to you that none of us actually know what the future holds?  You think you’ve lost something amazing and important.  However, who’s to say that a life with Tony would have been happy and perfect?  What if he turned out to be a liar or a cheat? What if one or both of you developed a drinking problem?  What if you’d had those 2 kids, Maxwell and Charlie, and then Tony had taken off and left you raising them by yourself?  The truth is, we don’t actually know the future. It lives only in our imagination. We just know what actually DID happen.”

Imogen stares at me through red-rimmed eyes; but I can see that she is thinking hard about what I have said.  Now she has completely stopped crying, and she has a lot of questions for me.

As Imogen’s coach, I get to help her recognize that her thoughts about Tony (along with her thoughts about their breakup) are causing her to feel tremendous pain.  

Once Imogen really understands that her heartbreak is not caused by the fact that Tony broke up with her; but instead comes from what she is making it mean inside of her brain (TRAGEDY: MASSIVE, UNREMITTING, ETERNAL LOSS)… she will be able finally to dry her tears and then take her power back - for good.

I can show her that another woman who didn’t like Tony much or wasn’t attracted to him would have totally different thoughts about the exact same situation. 

This is just the beginning of our work together, but we are off to a great start!  

I am blessed to help clients like Imogen navigate through painful life transitions and rediscover what makes them special; reconnect with what lights them up and inspires them; create new goals and redefine who they are in the wake of a profound loss.  Together we can chart a course forward that makes sense to each client and feels authentic and achievable.  

Although it doesn’t happen overnight, real healing and even thriving after loss is not just possible - it’s very likely!

When I hear the words, “I’m starting to feel hope again,” or “I’m starting to believe that love can still happen for me,” I know that clients like Imogen are beginning to understand the extent to which their mindset can make a profound and lasting impact on how they will rebuild after losses for the rest of their lives.

It’s so exciting, and I’m so grateful to do this work! 

To learn more about more ways in which having a life coach on your team can tremendously improve the quality of your life and relationships, check back soon to read Part 2 of this series! 

Interested in being coached by Andrea or asking questions about coaching?  Click here or send a message to: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com.

*Name and details of story altered to protect client anonymity.

“My Heart Seriously EXPLODES When I See That Smile!”

How your thoughts determine who you love.

Today I’d like to talk to you about love and attraction.

The concept I’d like to share with you is how your thoughts are related to the love that you feel, the love you give, and the love you choose to keep in your life.

Most of us are raised to believe in fairy tales. 

People believe that love happens to us magically… that we don’t have any control over who we love (or who we don’t love). 

“It just happens,” you may tell your friends. “I can never predict when it will happen or who it will happen with… love is mysterious and almost supernatural!”

This is not actually true though.

We can choose who we want to love, because we can choose the thoughts we have about other people.

You may be thinking, “Andrea, that’s crazy!  I can’t choose to be interested in that big goofball of a guy/girl that keeps showing up at my desk at lunch!  I’m totally not attracted to them!”

The funny thing is that both love and attraction are all based upon your thoughts.

The things you think about this person determine your attraction to them.  “What a funny, unattractive goofball,” you say, and BAM - you’ve just thrown them deep into the friend-zone.

That thought sure didn’t create any attraction inside your brain or body for this funny, goofy person. 

Maybe you have feelings instead for the “bad boy/girl” at the office… the unpredictable person that everyone is talking about.  “I never know what they’re going to do,” you think. “And gosh. EVERYONE likes them. My best friend has a crush on them too!” That thought makes the person seem more desirable; less available, less controllable… almost unattainable.  

“That person is SO exciting,” you say. “I wonder if they’re single? I wonder if they could ever like me?”

You see, we do choose who we want to love.

“NO,” you tell me, “It doesn’t work that way, Andrea,” and then you launch into a lengthy discussion of pheromones and science.

Let me clear that right up.

It’s true to a degree.  You CAN have an amazing physical rush from the pheromones of another human.  You may definitely think, “Wow, they smell so good!” or “He/she is so HOT!”

However, if a police officer knocked on your door 10 minutes later and told you that this same gorgeous guy or gal you’re lusting over is actually a serial killer and you’re next on their list, I can guarantee you that your powerful attraction to them would evaporate. Poof! Gone.  

(Replaced, probably, by terror!)

What changed?  Their pheromones?  Nope. Their looks and charm?  The way they crack a smile? Nope.

The thing that changed was your thought about them.  

Have you ever noticed that over time one person can become more and more beautiful to you, while another person can become less and less attractive?

It’s all about your thoughts.  As you get to know a person you make little adjustments. 

“That person in my math class is so intelligent and funny,” you may one day think.  “I wonder why I never noticed before that they have a beautiful smile?”

“I used to think that bartender was great,” you may slowly realize, “But now I find him/her so annoying.  They’re not really that attractive, either. What was I thinking!?!”

You have a tremendous amount of choice and power when it comes to who you love.

This is so freeing and liberating. 

Have you ever said, “I wish I could love ________.  He/she is like family to me. Sadly, I’m just not attracted to them.”  

It’s not the person though that you’re not attracted to. You’re not attracted to the thoughts you have about them. 

“They’re SO NICE,” you may think, and then wonder why you feel zero attraction.

Have you ever considered that, “They’re so nice,” doesn’t actually create attraction for you?

To change the level of attraction, you need to change the thought.

“HOW?” you ask. 

Well… try these on for size.  

• “I’m learning to believe that nice people can also be attractive.”

• “I think a good sense of humor is a real turn-on.”  

• “I love me a reliable, kind human.”

• “Intelligence is HOT!”  

• “You know… Dorkiness is actually kind of adorable.”

• “Those blue eyes are really sparkly.”

So, it’s time to get clear with yourself about the power your thoughts have over your relationships, attractions and feelings.

In Bridget Jones’s Diary, Bridget suddenly realizes that she finds ‘boring’ businessman Mark Darcy very attractive, even more so than the ‘dangerous’ cad Daniel Cleaver. Everything shifts for her.

In an instant the reliable, stable character with dry wit has rocketed out of the friend zone to become the romantic hero.  “Nice boys don’t kiss like that,” she says… but Mark proves once again that her thought is not a fact.

Everyone wins!  Bridget has chosen happiness and created love by changing her thoughts.

You get to choose your own happy ending too! 

Welcome to Your New Year!

“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right!” ~ Henry Ford

With a new year and decade beginning today, many of us are making big, beautiful, hopeful resolutions for 2020!

This will be the year we finally apply for that job promotion; the year we lose that extra 20 lbs. We’ll save up enough money to take that big trip we’ve been dreaming of; we’ll exercise five times a week instead of twice. We’ll be a more loving spouse or partner; we’ll be more patient with our kids.

We have such good intentions, we start off full of energy and enthusiasm like there’s a fire burning under us.

And yet, for every person making resolutions today, research shows that within one week, a quarter of us will give up. Perhaps more surprisingly, fewer than 1 in 10 will actually persevere with our goals until the end of the calendar year!

Why does this happen?

Is it simply human nature to give up on the things that matter most?

Are we just weak? Do we lack the courage or heart to achieve our dreams?

Do other people just have more tenacity than we do?

Thankfully, the answer is NO.

The key to becoming one of those rare few who actually sticks with your cherished hopes and plans is available to you right now! In fact, you carry it with you everywhere you go, at every moment.

That special magic? The secret sauce?

It’s created in your brain. Your magnificent, powerful, amazing brain contains every ingredient right now - every single ounce of inspiration and grit and sticktoitiveness you will ever need to accomplish your goals… and every goal you will ever have, forever.

Did you know that the average human brain has many thousands of thoughts each day?

That’s right. Even you!

THOUSANDS of thoughts.

Imagine harnessing even a handful of them to help you, as your assets and allies.

Now instead consider how we often talk to ourselves about our cherished hopes after we make a New Year’s Resolution:

“I’m not lucky like that.”

“Things like that happen to other people, but not to me.”

“Even if I try, it won’t really matter.”

“Let’s be honest, I don’t really have what it takes.”

“I missed my chance.”

The list goes on and on. Is it any wonder that so many of us give up easily on our resolutions when we talk to ourselves so negatively all day long? We choose to think such terrible things about ourselves.

How many of our daily thoughts are constructive?

Even more, how can we learn to believe the things that are helpful… when often our the negative thoughts feel so REAL?

I’ve spent years now studying this topic in depth, training and learning as much as possible to manage my own mind and now to help my clients to manage theirs.

The great news is that, just like practicing for a sport or learning a language, it is totally possible to become the master of your own mind. It just takes understanding, time and repetition.

Here are 4 simple steps to make sure that this year you don’t throw out your resolutions before the end of January!

1) Figure out what you actually believe about your New Year’s Resolution. Deep down, do you honestly think you will achieve it?  Do you feel confident that you have what it takes?  Dig to find out what you believe about yourself.  What are the quiet, ugly thoughts that creep into your mind when you contemplate your resolution?  Uncover them all - every sad, frustrated or dismissive thought you’ve got!

2) Once you’ve identified the ugly thoughts, CHALLENGE them!  Your brain may tell you that you’re not smart enough, not strong enough, not capable!  Suddenly you may remember every single time you’ve ever failed at anything, any time you’ve felt stupid or humiliated.  So what? Those memories are not constructive. Ignore all of the noise in your brain. It’s not helping you move forward.

3) Decide what you WANT to believe about yourself and your resolution.  Search for the positive; scan your memory for examples of times when you DID achieve your goal… when you stuck to the plan!  Collect evidence of times when you rose to the occasion; saved the day; got the job done.  Make a list of every time you DID follow through!

4) Now comes the real work.  Over the coming days, weeks and months: Keep your brain laser-focused on thoughts that make you feel totally empowered and motivated.  Every time you start to doubt yourself, look again at your list of all of the times you won; all of the times you succeeded at anything!  Focus on your talents and abilities.  Let the negative “I can’t do it” chatter melt away.  Take one step forward every day, track your progress, and keep on going! 

New Year’s Resolutions?  You’ve totally got this!  Become part of the <10% who set a goal in 2020 and actually achieve it.  I believe in you and your beautiful, powerful mind!

If you need any help figuring out the process along the way contact me for a free trial session.  I’d love to help you make 2020 your year of THRIVING!